i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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