Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
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