I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
