He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
