Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
