How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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