Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
