she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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