Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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