Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
two words...techno handjob
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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