Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize