ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
