I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Just cropdusted the office
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
