You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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