I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
