Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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