When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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