I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
