Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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