So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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