why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
