I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize