when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
im six kinds of drunk right now
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
