I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
