Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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