Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
