No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
