I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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