Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
