i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
