If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
We don't watch enough power rangers
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
