Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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