SEEEEXXX PLEASE
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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