The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
