Someone shit on the floor
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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