i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
