can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize