"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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