Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
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