that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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