I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
