things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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