Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
