We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
