I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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