You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
