Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
