Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
