Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
