from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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