My nipple is on Facebook.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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