was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
