Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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