So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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