I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
