NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Randomize
