Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize