I want to have your abortion
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize