I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
