my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
